I’ve never been that big on New Year’s celebrations. I’m not a big party-goer, nor can I drink more than one drink without starting to feel a bit unwell. I think the last time I was really into New Year’s was when I was ten years old and still cutting out clothes for the paper doll I’d gotten for Christmas.
Which is not to say I’ve never partied. Ten years ago tonight, I was drinking at Connor Byrne Pub in Ballard with some friends, and we slipped out to stand in the rain at Gasworks Park… The thick mist made it difficult to see much of the fireworks display other than a bright colorful patch in the clouds. Lovely times. Things seemed simpler then, somehow.
The best part of the New Year’s tradition is reflecting back on the year ending and deciding where you want to stretch your wings further in the one just beginning. This is also the biggest challenge of New Year’s.
This year has been a strange one, this 33rd of my existence. I quit my job, quit antidepressants and later resumed them, learned some more about myself, did a lot of knitting, and yet still feel I hardly know what I’m about. I’m continually grasping at straws to figure out relationship and career. But I am just beginning to learn some better tools and patterns. This year, despite my worst depression yet, I discovered some moments of joy.
I started blogging this February, and though I’m still not sure where it’s taking me, it remains enjoyable, so I continue with it. I’ve really appreciated getting to know other bloggers. There are times I cannot read many posts but when I do it always inspires me. I completely agree with Dipsy’s post about the community of bloggers! Seeing others pursue their passions and creativity motivates me to take my own more seriously.
This year found me taking tons of photos and sharing them on the Flickr community. And my knitting activity has exploded recently. Practicing a couple hobbies has meant a tremendous amount to me. It sounds funny, but I never really had hobbies in the past. Some might think hobbies are the smallest part of life, but in a way, until you have your hobbies, do you really know who you are? I didn’t, at least. My life was consumed by focusing too much on other people, and by work, and there wasn’t much left that was just for me alone, for joy’s sake. Creative pursuits can bring so much joy in life.
What else have I learned this year? Like Dipsy again, I feel like I’m a slow learner and some of this is really basic. But I’d like to think some of us learn deeply, taking the lessons into every cell of our bodies, and that just takes longer than surface learning.
…I’ll be okay even if I’m not working. I have an identity outside of work and school. I don’t know if I really believed that! I am my own self with a unique identity which I appreciate.
…Friendships and family, although they take intense work, are ultimately the most important things in my life. People who know me well can help mirror who I am, allowing me to see myself more clearly. Being a witness to others’ growth is truly an inspiration and a blessing.
…It’s worth it to take risks and try out new ways. The old ways, although they may feel comfortable, are probably worn out.
…I must –and can!– be proactive in taking care of myself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. I can detach from other’s emotions and suffering, I don’t need to take those on as my own. I’m still working on this one!
…Regularly spending time in nature is essential to my well-being.
…I can see myself more clearly, see my strengths and faults, and I can work to build up the strengths and accept the faults for what they are. I don’t have to live in the dark fumbling around without understanding myself. I can grow in awareness and insight if I am open to it. Change springs from that awareness.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” –M. Scott Peck
“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anais Nin
